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all regarding the God that still involves Himself in the details of the lives of His people
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Because simple daily Christian living is never what we thought it would be
The Convincing - No Greater Confidence
And still, in the very back distance, my heart clung to the excitement and purity of the moment when I experienced the absolute assuredness of the voice of God in my soul: The moment when He individually and intimately called me to speak for Him in a not so average way. I tried every rational technique I could think of to explain away the assurance I felt. From my perspective, there was no possibility that I had heard what I thought I had heard. No way, I had felt what I thought I had felt. God is amazing. My utmost respect for Him is one of the reasons I could not believe this calling. He could choose from all the beautiful and smart and sensible creations on the earth to do this thing for Him. And, if He couldn’t find one that was absolutely perfect for the job, He could create one. He is the Creator. Still, He softly played the strings of my heart and sang to me a longing song of understanding and obedience.
No Greater Confidence
God has called me to speak for Him. Not because He cannot speak for Himself, but because we seem to listen better to our own kind, than to Him. How ridiculous of us. Yet, because of His great love for us, He is willing to ask someone like me, worthless in so many ways, to speak for Him. He is willing to entrust me with His precious feelings, concerns, and messages. I feel so honored. I feel so afraid. But, because of what He has done for me personally…something that you might have experienced similarly…I want to be obedient and do what He has requested. And, for your sake, I want to do it well.
At His calling, and my absolute certainty of that calling, there was both a feeling of excitement and one of grave concern. You see, I know me. I know who I am…without Him, I know who I have been… the things that I have worshiped, and more so…who I am capable of being. I was truly excited about the fact that God, the great “I Am”, the One who created me, the One who controlled every breath of every living thing, found me significant enough to ask a favor of. In the same thought of excitement, I was terrified. I mess so many things up. I have a history of making several mistakes before finding solutions (sometimes the same exact mistakes). So within a few minutes of the glorious feeling of my assurance in being called by God Himself for a purpose greater than myself, I began asking unanswerable questions and analyzing the probability of such an assignment, until… the whole brightness and purity of the request grew very, very dim.
Why not someone else? Everyone had always picked someone else. From third grade play-ground kickball teams to high school dates. I was always the un-chosen. I did not blame anyone for their decision. I too, would not choose me if I had a choice. I am plain and simple and unnoticeable. And, though I truly had some significant physical beauty, my lack of self-worth, vulnerable self-identity, and gullible personality made me a uniquely evident target for poor choices and ambitions. So, even what I had in beauty and talents, I floundered. And, if things were not bad enough in reality, I could always count on my mind to elaborate on them until they were a dark and painful obstacle.
By the end of the time that I spent self-analyzing God’s calling on my life, I thought I could feel God pulling away and I did not blame Him for not wanting to fool with me. A test, I thought. Maybe He was just seeing if I had brightened up an, or if I was still as naive as ever to the requests of others. Or, maybe He was trying to determine a measurement, of sorts, of my ability to obey. So I resolved that the whole request was not about the request itself. Rather, it was a test about how willing I was to obey His wishes…even regarding those requests that obviously did not fit me. Or maybe, just maybe, He was just baiting me: trying to get me to be more assertive regarding Him… even in the least bit. Yes. Yes that had to be it.
I knew in my soul that He had truly called me for something to do with testifying for Him, but I had obviously misunderstood the perimeters of what He had requested. And…now this made sense; because firstly, I always misunderstand…and secondly, He wouldn’t ask anything of me that He hasn’t already ask of everyone…to testify for Him by sharing the story of salvation. Oh…of course! He didn’t pick me out individually to single-handedly take on such a public assignment as I had earlier understood when originally being called… No, no, no! His calling was really just the normal task He gives to all believers. This was an average to below average request…okay; now I could accept it, because now it fit me.
And still, in the very back distance, my heart clung to the excitement and purity of the moment when I experienced the absolute assuredness of the voice of God in my soul: The moment when He individually and intimately called me to speak for Him in a not so average way. I tried every rational technique I could think of to explain away the assurance I felt. From my perspective, there was no possibility that I had heard what I thought I had heard. No way, I had felt what I thought I had felt. God is amazing. My utmost respect for Him is one of the reasons I could not believe this calling. He could choose from all the beautiful and smart and sensible creations on the earth to do this thing for Him. And, if He couldn’t find one that was absolutely perfect for the job, He could create one. He is the Creator. Still, He softly played the strings of my heart and sang to me a longing song of understanding and obedience.
The song was entitled “Yes, It is you” and the words described how much He wanted me. He tenderly tolerated my pulling away and sweetly whispered the melody of assurance. He told me that I am the one He chose. That no other one could do the job that He had created me to do. He smoothed my fears and rubbed my anguished and frowning face. He tickled me with loving thoughts and memories and pressed His fingers against my lips, curling them up at the sides until I smiled. He told me that he is God and that He does not think of things the same way we do, and therefore choses in a different way. And then, in a stern and fatherly way, He said (leaving no room for uncertainty),” I do choose you…now please, believe me”. So, I did. Well, at least I made the decision to believe.
And, my world is changing. I no longer strive so hard, trying to prove my worth to a world that ultimately will refuse to choose me anyway. I am trying to relax in the realization that He called me to Himself, that I came and offered all that I was, and He accepted me joyfully. Now, I am trying to be obedient. Oh, the shadow of me is still there…reminding me of the mess I am so capable of making. It whispers possibilities of failures so familiar to me that my breath stops and my determination just chills and I am frozen momentarily in fear. “What if” are words so unbelievably powerful in the mind of someone looking back-wards. So part of my decision, part of my believing, part of my obedience is to face forward. I must force myself to always look forward.
To do this, I cling to what I know. That God is good. He always intends good for me. That God is just, which… is not the same thing as fair. That God does not make mistakes, and that, although I cannot understand it, His forgiveness is absolute and it is final. I have learned that satan calls to us from the past because he wants us to look back and see who we used to be. Those were his glory days. But, Christ is always in front of us…leading us…breaking a path that is perfectly suited for each of us individually.
It is not difficult for me to believe that He is everything He says He is. I have no doubts about Him. Still, it is difficult for me to believe that I fit anywhere at all in the picture with Him. And there are times when I can easily believe that it was all a trick and will end instantly…with me back where I was….gullible and guilty and ashamed. However, when I allow myself to think of these…my faith only bends…it no longer breaks. And when I am trembling so intensely that I cannot take another step forward on the path, I have learned to just whisper His name. I call out to Him in tones so muffled from fear that no ear could possibly hear. But, He hears me and He comes running to me. I am always amazed at how close He was when I thought He was so far away.
I hope your life has been filled with positive assurance and confidence. I hope that you are one of those people whom I always admired…who could stroll into a room, preform on a stage, stand in the spotlight, and just know they were meant for that purpose. I hope you have liked yourself and been proud of your actions. I hope your regrets are few and that it is easy to look at yourself from all perspectives of your life. And, I hope that those qualities have made it easy for you to accept the calling of God in your life with confidence. But it has not been that way for me.
If, like me, you have built sturdy obstacles in your life that make it difficult for you to believe that God really chooses you for any significant task, please…find a way to be strong and courageous. The first step I took toward public obedience was to write something as He spoke to me and then store it in the top drawer of my bedside table for safe keeping. But He continued to call. The God I serve…the God you serve is far more than sufficient. He will provide the strength you need. And, when you are obedient to His calling, you will absolutely be able to see God working through you. There is no greater reassurance. There is no greater confidence. Then, little by little, you will start to really believe that God chose you and called you…for something that only you alone can do.
I write in obedience to His calling on my life.
And in my obedience,
He is giving me the confidence.
In obedience
Rhonda D Loucks