A calling to write what He leads, no matter how uncomfortable...
Because simple daily Christian living is never what we thought it would be
It was almost like He didn’t even remember all those things I said last Thursday when I told Him that it seemed He was failing me; that He was pushing too hard and too far, that I couldn’t feel Him working or see His hand in this. And I told Him that I wondered if He was there…If He was ever really there. And I had stayed mad for these three days…wanting resolution with Him, but chasing it away each time it tried to approach. Too in love with Him to say that I didn’t love Him, or that I didn’t trust Him…but mad enough to give Him the silent treatment and pretend that our life together did not matter to me as much as I knew it did.
Hearts Half Mad
Hearts Half Mad
I have been mad at God and I told Him so. I practically threw a fit standing before Him last Thursday…ranting and raving about all the pressures that have been surrounding me lately. I have done what He asked me to do and now my world was falling apart…literally. If He wanted me to do this thing, then why couldn’t He help a little by intercepting the negatives and multiplying the positives?
It has been four years since we lost our home to a fire. Four years. I can’t even believe that it has been more than six months. Yet, just now we are finally pulling things together and burying the past. I did not want to let go. I wanted to rebuild and reunite with friends and neighbors and familiar community and common history. But, we did not. Things did not work out that way. So, we moved away, which made it feel that I was losing so much more. It is just now that the replacement of our life’s foundation is stable enough that we have begun to proceed forward. It takes a while: more, for some…less, for others. Us, it has taken just about this long…to be willing to really take new chances and propel ourselves forward. At least, it has taken me this long. And now, here we are standing in a situation completely different…yet with a question so similar…should we leave, or stay?
This time things are truly different. We sort of have a choice. Last time the walls were literally taken out from under us and we were left with no choice. After the fire, things too difficult, and too time consuming to explain, greatly influenced our decisions. And the choices we did make were based on guidance from Him. Which is why... why it is difficult to believe that we now may have to move. Now that we are finally being re-established So I am mad and completely confused about this new situation. Having a choice this time does not make leaving what has become comfortable any easier.
See, this is the house that we stood in the gravel road and looked at, and asked for God’s direction about. But too weak and too sad to hear the voice of God regarding the decision, I had to concede and trust completely on what my husband decided. This is the house that my husband said of, “Our family needs to quit looking and get its roots planted.” This is the house that has helped us rebuild and regain and to grow. This is the house that has helped to hold out the pressures of the new world and protect us as a family while we healed. This is the house that has heard me crying for the beauty of an old house…a house that it seemed, my heart, just did not want to live without. This is the house that has received all the complaints about not being the other house and yet stood tall and firm in the midst of my unappreciative spirit. And now that I have come to be comfortable here...
For sixteen years my husband has worked for a company. The company has always been solid, but definitely has seen better days. In this economy, whose hasn’t? Six months ago the company was forced to make deep cuts in order to survive. The cuts will go even further tomorrow. Tomorrow my husband may lose his job. Lay-offs. It is a term that many around here are very familiar with. Lost jobs, lost homes, lost families, lost lives. The high stress of a country falling apart faster than the media can convince us that it is repaired. To many, the cost has been great.
And, I understand. Because of the fire, I am more afraid of tomorrows than I used to be; more afraid of the reality that may come…because I have been involved with a reality that did come. And it was painful. Although our faith prevailed…it was painful. Almost certainly, knowing the extensiveness of the pain you have experienced before…makes the oncoming pain more fearful. If his job is lost tomorrow then we are certain to lose our home. There is no cushion…in a matter of speaking…it all burned. And there is not much cushion left in our strength either. If his job is lost tomorrow, I fear for the house, I fear for my husband.
The men began to sing and the sound welled up in my throat until I thought I would not be able to breathe. I knew the words. I knew the tune. I had grown up with the old hymn and knew exactly what was coming next. But, I did not expect the presence of the Lord to meet me so personally in that unfamiliar church, with all of those unfamiliar people, in the middle of a Sunday morning concert service that I didn't even want to attend. But, He was most certainly there…just for me…even though He knew I was angry with Him.
It was almost like He didn’t even remember all those things I said last Thursday when I told Him that it seemed He was failing me; that He was pushing too hard and too far, that I couldn’t feel Him working or see His hand in this. And I told Him that I wondered if He was there…If He was ever really there. And I had stayed mad for these three days…wanting resolution with Him, but chasing it away each time it tried to approach. Too in love with Him to say that I didn’t love Him, or that I didn’t trust Him…but mad enough to give Him the silent treatment and pretend that our life together did not matter to me as much as I knew it did.
Now good for you if you have been through this kind of thing and have not been mad at the Lord. Rejoice in your maturity and security. But, this trial seemed to be of some breaking point for me. Losing a house because of money…because of a lost job…after I had agreed to work for Him for nothing with the promise that He would provide all that we needed. My wage earning career has been gone since that decision…that obedience…which makes this thing unbelievably difficult. And then the fire…losing literally every earthly thing , and now...this. So, I was mad at what felt like broken promises and unanswered prayers. Yes, mad…and I was staying that way.
Then the altos joined in and my hands began to shake. They sang the deep and meditative words of “When I Survey” and God sat down with me. He on one side, Christ on the other, and the Holy Spirit right in my throat. I melted in the love of their presence and began to sway in my spirit to the beautiful melodious notes that came from the balcony above. The college choir filled the old church with echoes of words that became the prayer and clarity of my heart…
“When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the prince of Glory died
my richest gain I count but loss
and pour contempt on all my pride.”
In one musical stanza, I was beckoned to survey…really take a look at…the cross and what my Lord had lost there. In the beauty of that sacrifice, I saw His love for me. I remembered how He had saved us from that fire and taught me that we can truly live without every single thing in life…except Him. The most important worldly possessions to me (pictures, wedding dress, keepsakes)…my richest gain…had been lost. And, I had learned to count them… but loss...and find the joy beyond them. Yet, already, in this trial, I had forgotten that lesson. In realization, my heart shyly whispered, Oh, Lord, I’m really sorry”. So then while the choir took their next deep breath, I inhaled His grace. And joy returned to me and filled my spirit. Together, with His hand in mine, we approached the words about pride and how to pour contempt, all over it, again. Christ gave my fingers a squeeze and then as they stood...all that remained was forgiveness.
I hate that I am still prideful; that I hold onto things, and am afraid of losing them…even for His sake. I hate that I still throw fits at Him and get mad and treat Him with such disrespect. I am ashamed that all we have been through together sometimes still leaves me lacking and I fall right back into a familiar pattern of frailty and insecurity and un-assuredness. I hate that I easily forget the lessons I have learned and have difficulty trusting. I hate that I can still so easily be led to fear and to anger.
I wonder what the writer of that song was going through when they penned out those words? I’m certain it was an experience very different from mine. We may lose our income tomorrow and with it the security of all our earthly comforts. But, we will still have God. We will still have the assurances of His promises and His presence. We know that although trials are uniquely different; our God is constant. For when we survey…when any of us take a moment to stop and consider the wondrous cross…and the wondrous God we serve…He will be there. Even when we start by barely coming into His presence…even with hearts half open and half mad…He does not hesitate to sit down beside us and help us understand our feelings and clear up the uncertainty and confusion.
What do you hate about you? When is the last time that you surveyed your life, your riches, the things you are most proud of? Do you remember pouring contempt on them? Can you stand before the cross and count them but loss?
In obedience
Rhonda D Loucks
What can you expect? Straight talk, laughable humor, real truth, simple living, and passionate yearning...
all regarding the God that still involves Himself in the details of the lives of His people